To Find a Bride – The Book

To Find a Bride – The Book

Muhammed Ismail


My name is Oliver Queen. After five years on a hellish island, I have come home with only one goal: To save my … Okay, yeah, I watch way too much of Arrow. Well, in my defence, Felicity Smoke is Hot (if only she made Istinja).

Anyway, enough about Miss Smoke, my name is Muhammed Ismail and I’m an author. I’m serious, I’m officially an author. ‘To Find a Bride’ has been published, like I have an ISBN (International Standard Book Number) code and an official copyright page and even a blurb.

What’s a blurb? Well, dear reader, a blurb is the text found on the back cover of a novel that gives you a tease regarding the content of the book.  Now I have one of those on a book that bears the same title as this novel.  Aha, the book has been completed, edited and polished to a point of such perfection that makes me, as the author, proud.

The book even has a glossary with 287 words. Those words, of course, have been defined by me. So don’t expect it to be of Oxford standard. Then again, Oxford’s standards are a tad too formal and mine, well, my version is just like this book- easy to read and full of shit. That’s just one of various additions that have been added to the book (all of which, I assure you, are worth reading) like the author’s note, the acknowledgement and the dedication. To ensure that ‘To Find a Bride’ met the standards of an actual novel that can box with the big dogs, I have also written a prologue and epilogue for the tale.

Honestly, I didn’t expect the novel to turn out as it did, but thanks to the All-Mighty, there are now 225 chapters to this novel (excl. glossary, acknowledgement, author’s note, prologue, epilogue and dedication, of course).

In less than a month, dependent on distribution, this novel will be available in all leading bookstores so look out for my first of many novels to come. Also note that my other blogs will continue shortly.

For those that have supported me through this journey, my sincere thanks and appreciation to you. To those that haven’t, thank you as well.

Launch dates of the book in the various cities will be announced as soon as these dates have been confirmed. Availability of the books will follow the same pattern.

To my international readers, the books will be available through the online stores of various leading bookstores and I will not be personally involved in the distribution, marketing and sales so there will be absolutely no way at all that I can ‘organise’ a free copy for you. Forgive me for that… I’m sure my Memon readers will understand.

That said, once again, I thank everyone for their support- yep, even the cynical lot that sneered at the content of this novel- read part 70 again and you may just realise that there is a lot more to the young man on his path to find a bride.

Ah yes, parts 96-189 have been removed from the blog. Enjoy parts 1-95 for now as soon you will have the entire story to read… as a BOOK!


Muhammed Ismail


PS. A new cover has also been created that is a lot more fun than the version that had been shown off on Facebook and Twitter.




To Find a Bride – Part 95

To Find a Bride – Part 95

Muhammed Ismail


Priority: To organise actions according to importance. As a young male, at a point of financial stability- my BMI (Body Mass Index) at a perfect point and finally looking like a man instead of a kid, my priority was ‘to find a bride’.


My destiny of course, is to end up with the red-headed beauty that I crashed into all those weeks ago at Gold Reef City. Based on the circumstances of that occurrence, she didn’t cross my mind at all. She was just a bad memory, an embarrassing occasion and something I didn’t bother recalling.


The thing about destiny is that once it’s set, nothing will ever put you off that path. Every individual you meet will come with a set of problems, issues and dislike simply because your partner is out there for you. I, at the time, didn’t know this. I really thought that God was out to get me. It’s often that we lose faith and think that Our Creator cares not about our affairs yet that isn’t the case. He is All-Seeing and All-Knowing beyond that which our feeble human minds can comprehend.


Another ‘Samoosa Run’ has come about- this time with a suitable girl. She came from a moderately rich home yet seemed simple in her ways. We entered and I was glad at the absence of ‘Aggar-Batti’ to suffocate me. The random assortment of words passed between her parents and mine. Waiting a short while, she made her appearance, tray in hand with the china rattling on as she shook from nervousness.


She tried to smile but it came out more as a grim scowl. I kept my gaze lowered and thought, ‘Hey, she has nice toes!’… See, in Madressa, we’re taught to lower the gaze when we see beautiful women- however; lowering the gaze comes with looking at the girl’s feet.


Finally, the moments of privacy came before us and as we went into the room with the door ajar, her phone beeped signalling the last few moments of sakraat (last stages of death) and she made an issue of putting it on charge. Poor child was quivering, shaking like a leaf in autumn. I waited, watching her, finding this nervousness quite cute. She turned and opened her mouth to apologise.


My smile vanished, my eyes popped and I took a sharp breath. Much like the beginning of the story when I met the woman at the wedding with a mouth full of gold, this girl’s teeth were on a different level altogether.


Sharks have four rows of teeth. This woman probably had five. The teeth pointed in every direction and the only thought running through my mind was:


If she gives me a love bite, will my neck look as though it’s been attacked by a cat on drugs?


I would have understood if she couldn’t afford the orthodontist visits except that she had a phone worth R7 000, if not more. Every technological device from the Apple brand sat upon her desk and her cloak has this sense of elegance about it that definitely costs an arm and a leg. She should have rather did without the MacBook Pro and received a few dental treatments at the same price.


Truly, the tooth fairy would have a field day and receive a Christmas bonus after a single visit to this girl. Her priorities were definitely screwed.


That was it- no more Samoosa Runs, ever. My Samoosa Run days came to an end and I thought of making a profile on Shaadi Dot Com (an Indian based matrimonial website).


I’ve made a few stupid mistakes in my life- none worse that than creating that profile.


To be continued… 





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To Find a Bride – Part 94

To Find a Bride – Part 94

Muhammed Ismail


There are two constants in life- time and change. Time waits for no man and change occurs whether you like it or not. The human body takes seven years to kill off and re-grow every single cell thus every seven years; you’re a brand new person. As we know, time can’t stop and even God himself takes a promise upon time in the Qur’an.


Change is bound to happen, however, it isn’t something that occurs overnight. Like with many a greats, patience is the key. Of course, let us not confuse patience with procrastination as then, dear readers; telling someone to be patient is likened to a philosophical method of asking them to waste time.


I wanted to change, I wanted to see goodness in people and I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. This is all good and well, noble even- but humans make it so hard for you to see this. Logic dictates one thing and common sense proves to be not that common after all. The tale goes on…


Here I am, awaiting my parents, wondering what this girl will be like. I’ve seen her Facebook profile and I have some inkling of what she looks like, the things she follows and her friends. Think of it as a social-networking background check that truly shows one’s character. She seemed decent, she seemed quiet and she seemed homely.


The process begins all over again and it is on this day that I learnt the true meaning of priority.


Did you know that in dentistry, you learn that if your teeth are straightened, the chances of them falling out later on in life is minimised? Of course, the procedure to get braces if not backed by medical aid comes at a remarkably high cost. The future benefits, appearance and use outweigh the pricing and can become a priority in some instances.


Sometimes a person may look perfect in pictures, sound nice over the phone, know how to roll round roti’s but once that mouth opens… You feel threatened for your safety and not because of her ‘voice’.


To be continued…




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To Find a Bride – Part 93

To Find a Bride – Part 93

Muhammed Ismail


Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there was this princess locked in a girl’s madressa by her evil Memon aunty. There were three little bunnies and a wolf that was Muslim and chose not to eat Haraam as well as Little Riding Hood in a red scarf and skinny jeans.


This spurred on a thought- what a princess of this era will actually be like and so the memories began of a car show that I attended not too long ago.




“The female heir to the throne”


“Verily, the women of this world will become Queens in the hereafter”


“A woman of the same rank as a prince in her own right”


• • •



It felt like as though it was just yesterday that I stood in a group of hand-picked individuals as the new Lamborghini Aventador was about to be unveiled: ‘A super-car that made its predecessors proud’… A car so fast, you tend to imagine the thrill the ride may give. All of this covered, hidden in plain sight; the sheet alone giving the car its allotted respect even before I could see beneath it. The sheet covering this mechanical piece of desire made me realise something; something unrelated to the car but rather to something else entirely.


“The Muslim Woman”


My analogy of comparison to the unveiling of a car may not be the best of examples, but it is an example nonetheless. For instance, with regards to the car, sneak previews were on the web. A glance here, a sniff there; though nothing could prepare me for the joy I felt when seeing the car for the first time in the flesh.


In the same way, a veiled woman is by far, in my biased opinion, much more treasured to me than that of an unveiled one. That veil alone is a significant sign that I will be one of the hand-picked few that actually gets to see her. Of course, on the infamous ‘Samoosa Runs’, sneak previews are given and when the woman is accepted, an excitement builds. I can only imagine how ecstatic I’ll feel on the evening of my Nikkah when I finally unveil my bride for the first time, this time, not as the daughter of so-and-so, but as my wife.


To be a princess, a woman has to be groomed to take the throne. From that mentality, one can imagine a woman that has to be strong-willed and dedicated to her lands affairs along with a grasp of the affairs of the world. Disney may have depicted the ‘princesses’ of this world to be soft, feeble humans that are always in need of masculine protection. The true reality of this is very different. Disney does little to tell the tale about what happens to those princesses once they become queens.


A day in the life of a woman has her playing multiple roles:

• Alarm Clock

• Chef

• Tutor

• Chauffeur

• Wife

• Mother

• Sister

• Friend

• Neighbour

• Gardener

• Dish washer

• (And a whole lot more)


This woman has to see to herself, her kids, her husband, her family and her home at large, all in a day’s work. On top of that, she has to have a personality to live with, a witty nature to ease her tense King on his return from work, intellect to withstand all questions brought home by the kids and still cook a meal with the correct amount of salt. After such a life, for this woman to run a country will be relatively easy. As it is, the ministers do all the work and she will just have to approve or reject certain ideas.


So from this, I’ve come to understand that a princess is a lot more than just a pretty face. Her background counts a lot too. Like that Lamborghini that had been unveiled, had that specific car been something like a Tata or a GWM, I highly doubt I would have been in a state of awe.


“A man that treats you like a princess, is proof that he was raised by a Queen”


I’m more than certain that I want my sons to grow up that way and thus the need for a queen prevails.


In most cases, background plays an important role in upbringing and it is highly likely that the daughter of a home will resemble the mother in more than just looks. This is a simple reminder telling us that if we want good children, we need to be good parents.


A princess is someone that knows about the household and the affairs of the world. This is a given fact that intelligence ought to be sought out. As said: Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave.


A princess has to be strong-willed, determined and able to stand for what she believes in. A quote: If you don’t stand for anything, you will fall for everything.


To reduce this tiresome piece on what a princess should/shouldn’t be, I’ll highlight the characteristics.


• Strong willed

• Modest

• Knowledgeable

• Caring

• A good background


Whilst this may seem like qualities that a mass majority may possess, it is not so much the quality but the quantity of the qualities instilled in each of us.


In the end, though, the princess should realise that she deserves a prince- hence a note to all those men reading this: If you want a princess, then become a prince.


“You attract what you are”


There is a lot more to go with this novel of sorts and all that is placed is but a mere synopsis of the intricate detail required being that specific princess.


My question to everyone that reads this:


Are you worth the status of royalty or will you rather be known as common-folk?


• • •


These thoughts created by the single piece of poetry given to me by the red-headed beauty that I was set to marry in the far future. How she and I ended up with one another after the embarrassing fiasco is a story totally on its own.


My quest to find a bride continued and with the next ‘Samoosa Run’ cementing the fact that even though I made a firm intention to change my judgemental ways, changing these ways were far from easy.


I still can’t get her teeth out of my mind…


To be continued…





To Find a Bride – Part 92

To Find a Bride – Part 92

Muhammed Ismail


We often use these words to judge and put down a person for behaviour patterns of which we do not approve. We do this to our friends, we do this to our family and most of all, we do this to strangers we know nothing about.


Hardly ever do we realise the impact these words have on the person that hears them. Of course, ever so often, you’d get that arrogant, conceited type like myself whom when told that I cannot do a specific thing, will take up the challenge just to show you that I can. Unfortunately, not everyone in this world is like me. There are those whom when told that they are inadequate, stupid and lacking in abilities prove to be exactly that based on the comment alone.


These people are often exceptional yet lack in self-belief. A story comes to mind regarding this:


If you’ve ever been to a circus, you’d notice that the ringmaster ties a thin rope to the elephant’s front leg. The elephant, a beast that has the strength to lift a tree with its trunk, follows the ringmaster feebly as though chained by an unbreakable lock.


My curiosity had me question the ringmaster as to why the elephants behave in this manner. His response was that the elephants were trained from young. I pushed on to ask how they were trained. He chuckled and shared something that I’ve remembered a full decade later. He said:


“Boy, when these elephants were small, that rope was strong enough to hold them and keep them from running off. These elephants grew up believing that the rope will hold them till now and whilst they grew, the rope remained the same. The strength of the rope in reality did not become any stronger, but the belief that the elephant can’t escape the rope grew strong in the elephants mind.”


In the same way, the mind is a complex thing. If you continuously tell someone that they are ugly, will not succeed and are useless, then verily this person will start to believe exactly that.


Parents do that to their kids unintentionally (and at times, as a form of discipline- intentionally). It’s the simplest things that make a difference. Tell a kid that if he runs, he will fall and get hurt (which is obvious) then that kid will take precaution but to a limited extent. Should the kid fall, an Indian parent in most cases, instead of consoling the child will rather say shit like: “Good, I told you not to run, did you learn your lesson? For what are you crying now? Shut up!”


After an incident like that, you’ll never see that kid on the field trying to outrun his peers. His sporting career ruined because of the emotional abuse laid upon by his parents.


This was mentioned previously in the story and is relevant to the scenario that just played out.


Every day we see me running people down in this story. We observe how men in general think and how we believe that we’re better than everyone else. More often than not we pick at and mock the people we meet along the way, people we hurt without realising the effect that we have on his/her character and personality.


This was a keen aspect and a change I needed to inculcate in my life…I needed to enhance my ability to see goodness, nay, greatness in mankind.


As with all the tricks that God played upon me, even here, just when I thought I’d start seeing the betterment of mankind, nature unsettles me and for a moment, I had almost lost my conviction.


To be continued… 




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To Find a Bride – Part 91

To Find a Bride – Part 91

Muhammed Ismail


As humans, we are born with only two fears. There are only two single aspects that are there to ensure our survival. Every other fear is taught to us or we irrationally create it to grow into cautious beings. We’re born with the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises.


Indian men have overcome the fear of loud noises by killing the suspension of their cars with two subwoofers and an assortment of speakers. It still beats me that making the volume of a song so loud that it vibrates the windows of the car and becomes impossible to hear anything but ‘doof doof’ is appealing to anyone. I honestly wish I could find the guy that started this craze and give him a couple of ‘doof doofs’ thus changing his mind.


Other fears come about through actions, consequences and the results of behaviour. I had, like most guys out there, a fear of rejection. This turned me into a jerk and a stupid theory was created to help save me from this: ‘Reject her before she rejects you.’


This is what I applied when I met/crashed into the red-head beauty- I rejected her without even thinking the consequence of my actions. If only it was as easy as clicking on: and reading her thoughts.


I walked back to my car after a crazy day and found the poem she left for me under the wiper. It was a long drive back to Sandton and this gave me a lot to think about.


The thoughts that crept into my mind were logical, philosophical to a point and that was another catalyst to changing me into the man I was set to be.


To be continued… 




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To Find a Bride – Part 90

To Find a Bride – Part 90

Muhammed Ismail


Sometimes life throws obstacles in your way. Other times, life throws thin women clad in jeans and a t-shirt into your path. The repercussions of any ninja-rock-hoping techniques on the way out of an amusement park to leave all necessary electronics tucked away in dry safety. Gold Reef City- anyone that has ever been on the Water Log and had the unlucky draw of being seated at the back leaves drenched.


There was no way in hell that my beloved BlackBerry would suffer the wrath of water damage. Apparently, a useful trick dear readers, is that if your phone gets water in it, you should leave it in dry rice overnight. The rice attracts those Pakistani Minions that then repair the device as you sleep. However, science will have you think that the dry rice draws the moisture out of the phone…but come on; Pakistani Minions are so much cooler.


“Tik-tik-tikka-tik-tikka tikka-chic-chic-chicken”


Weaving through the crowds as my muscular legs would take me; I didn’t want to lose time. I was at the amusement park and I paid the entrance fee. I was Indian, I was going to go on every ride and get my monies worth. Being alone wasn’t going to stop me. I was a master of my speed, a master of my pace, a master of- and then it hit me. Red hair flying, the ground suddenly disappearing and the softness of something so…soft- I was in Jannah!


Have you ever felt an ass so soft that it renders one speechless?


That day, I did. I actually ran into a petite female that had naturally red hair, red lips and freckles. It was like the Indian version of Pepper-Anne just this time in a uniquely beautiful sense.


So here I am, feeling like Shaggy after seeing Scooby-Doo in the flesh albeit with a moustache and into Pepper-Anne I run. My confidence grew the longer I stared at her until I passed a comment: “Well darling, with an ass as soft as this one, you didn’t have to still throw yourself at me- if you thought I was cute and really wanted to sit in my lap, my Honda Civic is right out there.”


I don’t know if you’ve ever been given a bayaan (lecture) by a hormonal female, I could swear this chic was suffering from period pains as she swore, spoke and went on like a mad thing for a good few minutes. She was short of hitting me; that much I could see.


Stopping her in her tracks, I told that I didn’t want any of that, pointing at her. I told her that I’d prefer my woman in lace with thick thighs and a cute face. I went on to state that had circumstances been any different, I would utterly reject her. This, of course, was me defending my ego. Looking back, I did think that she was beautiful.


Yes, with a random dress sense that was ordinary in comparison to the curtain-clad Laudium girls, this one’s beauty was not about what she wore, but rather her actual features.


This girl, even though I didn’t know it at the time, was my soon-to-be bride.


To be continued… 





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